I’m about to get really honest with you. I’m about to shed my know-it-all coach skin and let it all hang out: this week sucked. Big time.
Even though I was on vacation this week and it should have been filled with fun and relaxation, I found myself confronted by old shadows.
I so wanted to ignore all of the negative emotions: the sadness, the anger, the resentment. I wanted to positive-think my way out of them. It would have been so much more “peaceful”.
But I didn’t. I heeded my own advice that I posted about in last week’s blog, What Do You Do When It Doesn’t Work Out?, and spent a huge portion of this week alone on my couch. Just feeling.
And it sucked.
And then it didn’t (but I’ll get to that part later).
It sucked because it started with a lot of self-blame and a lot of what my hero Brene Brown calls a “shame hangover”. A lot of Why-can’t-you-figure-this-out?s and What-else-is-there-to-fix?es spiraled in the silence.
Finding myself in the same mental space I’d been in so many times before ignited fear in me because it made me doubt my growth. I thought I had moved past so many of my old go-to patterns and was sure I’d never have to face them again. But here it was; same story, different day. I truly thought that I’d “fixed” the root of these patterns and that they should have magically vanished.
But herein lies the problem; I was trying to move past the roots of the pattern instead of just accepting that they were part of me. I had forgotten that out of ugly, misshapen roots blooms beauty.
These “issues” we face feel icky. Our ego-minds want nothing to do with them because the mind tells us these “issues” make us ugly or unworthy. We’d rather have a magic wand to erase them than admit they point to a part of us that just is. There is no erasing parts of ourselves. There is only seeing.
I’ll be honest, I spent 98% of this weekend looking for the magic wand. I prayed for a giant eraser to appear out of the sky, reach into my soul, and wipe out all evidence of the “grossness” existing inside of me.
But that’s what kept me stuck.
I was waiting for the cleansing when there was nothing to be cleansed from. There were only things to see.
Today I called a coaching friend, as we coaches often do, and our call transformed my experience. (Truly, having someone outside of ourselves to help us navigate this sort of situation is invaluable.) She helped me see that I felt stuck because of the shame I held about parts of me that are just that: parts of me. They aren’t dirty or bad. It’s just how I am. Accepting these parts of myself with compassion will lead to a life less triggered. Once she pointed this out, I felt a lightness and a resurgence of joy.
As I say on my website homepage, there is nothing in you to fix. This week I experienced a moment of spiritual amnesia and had forgotten this golden rule. Truly, there is nothing about you to fix, lovable one.
If you find yourself rotating again on the turntable of an old pattern, give yourself a break. Face what the pattern is showing you about yourself. Just see it. And if you feel so led, give that part of yourself a hug.